Surveying and Construction Jokes

One Liners


 

I watched a documentary about how they fix steelwork together last night…Riveting!

 

Two ground-workers walk into a bar…The third one ducked!

 

Question and Answers


 

Q: What’s yellow and looks good on an architect?

A: A JCB

 

Q: What do you call 50 Architects at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A start

 

Q: What is it that keeps a roofing team together?

A: Trussed.

 

Q: Why was the contractor’s parcel sore?

A: Because it was a tender package.

 

Q. What is the similarity between an architect and a Slinky?

A. Neither of them serve any discernible purpose, and it’s a good laugh to watch one fall down a flight of stairs…….

 

Q:  Did you hear the one about the roof?

A:  Don’t worry…it’s over your head!

 

Q: Why was the builder so short?

A: Because he had been contracting for a long time.

 

Q:  What do you call an electrical apprentice?

A:  A shock absorber.

 

Q:  Why is Christmas day just like a day at a construction site?

A:  You end up doing all the work and some fat guy in a suit takes all the credit.

 

Q:  Why did the nosey roofer get the sack?

A:  He kept eavesdropping.

 

Q: How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder.

 

Q – How many architects does it take to shingle a roof?

A – Depends on how thin you slice ’em.

 

Longer Jokes


The Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.” God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake–he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.” Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

A Sub-Contractor in heaven

A Sub-Contractor has a heart attack on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter runs over shakes his hand and says “Congratulations!”

“Congratulations for what?” asks the subbie.

“Congratulations for what?” says Saint Peter. “We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.”

“But that’s not true,” says the construction worker. “I only lived to be forty.”

“That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter, “we added up your time sheets.”

 

Quantity Surveyors Vs Engineers

A group of Quantity Surveyors and a group of Engineers take a train to a conference. Each Engineer holds a ticket. But the entire group of QS’s has bought only a single ticket. The Engineers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant QS’s will finally get what they deserve.

Suddenly one of the QS’s calls out: “The conductor is coming!” At once, all the QS’s jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets. The Conductor checks the tickets of the Engineers. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: “Ticket please!” One of the QS’s slides the ticket under the door and the Conductor continues merrily on his round.

For the return journey the Engineers decide to use the same trick. They buy only one ticket for the entire group but they notice the QS’s didn’t buy any tickets at all. After a while one of the QS’s announces again “The Conductor is coming!” Immediately all the Engineers race to a toilet and lock themselves in.

All the QS’s leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before the last QS enters the toilet he knocks on the toilet occupied by the Engineers and says “Ticket please!”

And the moral of the story??

Engineers like to use the methods of the QS’s, but they don’t really understand them.